Reeve is asleep in our bed, and I'm working on my second cup of coffee. Yeah, yeah. Look back to my previous posts where I bashed caffeine. Kiss it. I had my first full-fledged, medium-sized, post-natal coffee a couple of weeks ago, and I haven't looked back since. Derick replaced my ancient, minature coffee maker with a fancy Keurig for Christmas, so I just feel entitled, I guess. There are a lot of things I damned before Reeve Magnus was here, but now I embrace them with joy and gladness. Never say never.
One thing I have stuck with is the co-sleeping thing. Hence, Reeve's in our bed and I'm up drinking coffee and pinning. I'm not against co-sleeping, and I really understand the helpfullness and bonding aspect. It's just not for us because 1) Derick is wild in his sleep. I can't guarantee that he won't punch me or Reeve or Paris while he's sleeping. 2)Though I'm historically a light sleeper, these interrupted nights have changed my sleeping patterns into pretty heavy bouts. Thus, Reeve sleeps in a swing, we get the bed. I've negotiated by allowing him to sleep in our bed once I'm up or fully awake. This doesn't happen often, but this week has been hard on the little guy, so I thought he might like to get some extra rest. He sleeps so wonderfully in our bed. It's quite comfy.
Things have been going really well here, and I'm super busy, so I have no time for blogging. If you see that I've been pinning stuff or "liking" posts, most likely, Reeve has fallen asleep while eating, and I don't have the heart to detach him. He can hang out there, latched on, for a really long time, and in order for me to not fall asleep--or die of boredom-- I've taken up Derick's strategy of pinning/fb while holding him.
You can probably tell that the breastfeeding thing is going well. We've been able to create a nice bond, and I feel like we communicate better everyday. Sometimes, I can tell by certain facial expressions that he wants to eat. It's much more pleasant to begin to feed him well before the crying starts. In the early days, it was a mess. He had a hard time waking up because of the jaundice; I had a hard time letting him sleep because of the jaundice, his need for food, and our need to establish some early connections. He'd cry and get frustrated when he couldn't latch quickly, and I didn't really know what I was doing so I just did what I could. He'd finally latch and I'd feel so much pain! If he came off, it was always a struggle that involved even more pain and frustration. Now, though, we have the hang of it, and I think we both really enjoy it. The only problems I've had are constantly leaky boobies and outings that involve several feedings. Those aren't problems, though. Rather, they are adjustments, and if it takes me 3 hours in town when it used take 30 minutes, that's fine. :)
It's heartbreaking and joyful to watch my baby grow up. He learns so much everyday, and already has a funny personality. I think he's going to act a lot like his mama, and that scares his daddy. He looks so much like Derick, it's kind of weird. As he develops, I see more and more of Derick's features. Some days I look at him and stand in awe of God because of His wisdom and grace. So cool that he nominated us to be the parents of this perfect little baby.
Don't let my bragging and happiness make you think I have it all together, because I don't, and I'm sure I never will. I still get frustrated at times. My house is always messy, and that bothers me. I can clean and clean and clean, and the next day, it seems like everything is crazy again. I am forgetful, sensitive, overly-critical, worrisome, and I don't always have things prioritized as they should be. But God is gracious, and He blesses me with wonderful days and moments that make me forget all about the craziness of life.
Like all parents, I want to be perfect. I want Reeve to be constantly learning and gaining wisdom. I want to always speak to him with the right words and tone. I want to give him what he needs, but not turn him greedy by bombarding him with junk and everything he wants. I want him to feel love and tenderness and constant attention. I want him to be compassionate and hardworking, generous and patient, respectful and honest. But I look deep inside myself and wonder sometimes how I can raise him to be all those noble things when I fail miserably. Thank God Reeve has a daddy who isn't as reckless as I am. I think as parents, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be this and do that for our kids. We'll never ever get everything right. We're human and destined to screw up. But I think children have a little magic in their spirit and they can naturally sense when we try. If we are trying to be good parents, our intentions usually outshine our mess-ups. In my case, there were a couple times when I was uber selfish and just wanted a moment to myself. I just needed to cry and not be needed all the time. This made me feel so much guilt early on. Like I was neglecting my baby. I feared we wouldn't develop a bond and he would sense my frustration and selfishness. Even as a baby, Reeve was patient while I learned how to get with the program. Babies are pretty incredible. I'm quite positive they are all born with an immense amount of God in them...maybe as we all grow older and absorb more and more of the world, our goodness slowly vanishes and turns into more of a need of God, rather than a likeness?
I have the best baby in the world, and if you are a parent, so do you. My baby is more incredible than I ever could have imagined. He's filled with poop and spit up and snot, but all those things fill my days with happiness and love.
I hope I'm doing the same for his days:)
Thursday, November 29, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
I'm hungeeeeeee
I've decided to try to sneak in a post while Reeve naps. Can you believe this is his first nap since the last time I posted?? Not really, but it feels like it. Having a baby is seriously a full-time job. Full-time as in 24/7. Those previous full-time jobs I had were a joke compared to this. This job is the most incredible job, for sure, though, and it's also the most difficult. Everything everyone tells you about becoming a new mom is true. Ok, probably not everything, but a lot of things.
I will interject here and admit that I had a pretty rough start to new mommyhood. Not looking for sympathy, but it was definitely a difficult transition, and that, combined with CRAZY hormones and immense lack of sleep and a torn-apart body, made for some pretty nutty moments in the Roberts household. That's all I will say about that...
because...
Every dark moment has been illuminated by about five hundred beautiful moments. Reeve is in the smiley stage right now, and he smiles at nearly anything. When I see his smile, everything else is just meaningless. Sometimes he smiles so much, it turns into laughs. I love his laugh. I love that he thinks the windows and lamps are hilarious. I love that when he poops he lets out a holler. I love that he forcefully headbutts me when he's hungry. I love that when he's hungry, his cry sounds like he's yelling, "HUNGEEEEEE!!" I love when I pick him up out of his swing at 3 a.m., he immediately stops whimpering and complaining to smile at me. I love everything about Reeve. Even the poop and puke and snot. And boy, have we had a lot of that lately!
I finally vacuumed my floors for the first time since Mom left. It made me feel like a brand new woman. Now I just need to put away the twenty pounds of laundry, and I'll be good to go. I've requested a maid--preferably bilingual so that Reeve can learn a new language--for Christmas. Actually, here's my real request: a couch! We have a microsuadish couch. Nice for sitting. Not so nice for repelling poop, puke, snot, and everything else that comes out of baby.
Some of you may be wondering about the cloth diapering. It's going really, really well. We just overcame an ammonia outbreak, so we had to use some disposables for a while. He's no longer using his prefolds and covers. He's in big boy diapers now, and they are so simple. I've invested in some quality detergent to put my mind (and potential rashes) at ease, and everything's gone smoothly. We've saved a ton of money already, I've noticed, because those disposables add up! They do come in handy when rashes break out, though, so I was a little naive thinking he'd never, ever wear one. I've had a ton of "never say never" moments, and those require a post just for themselves.
Reeve is still sleeping in the swing, though we've moved it from the actual swing base to the floor. (Thank you, Angela, I'd still be running on fumes if it weren't for that swing!) He has some reflux, but his medication seems to be helping that a little, and he has yucky congestion just like his daddy. He does not like sleeping on his back, and when he does he grunts and gags and sounds like he's choking, so it keeps me awake. However, today, he took two naps on the couch on his back/side. He will do that from time to time, but at night, it's the swing or bust.
Nursing has become a LOT easier, knock on wood. Just ask a few of my breastfeeding friends: I was kinda a crazy person. It was terribly painful, so I almost feared the feedings. I didn't like that at all. I didn't want to be afraid to feed my son, but with sleep deprivation and not taking a shower for a few days, the physical pain was probably intensified by the emotional/psychological pain. I was also convinced that Reeve was sensing my negativity. He could somehow feel that I was uncomfortable, and it made him uncomfortable. I was told over and over that he didn't sense that. Instead, he just knew that his mom was giving him what he needed and he was happy, but it was still hard for me to get that out of my mind. Breastfeeding improves daily, though, and I'm giving glory to the Lord for that. I'm really adamant on breastfeeding Reeve, and it was challenging when it was so painful. I enjoy it more now, and I feel like he does, too.
Paris continues to do well with Reeve. She lets him kick her when he's sleeping or just playing. Sometimes when he's crying, she gets in his face and it makes him happy. She's been really great about sharing the attention. She was our only girl for six years, so I know it was hard, and she is still stubborn, but she doesn't bite or pee on Reeve, so I'd say she's ok with him. She actually ate his poop out of a diaper on the floor yesterday, so she certainly loves him.
I know that I've had to adapt as well, of course. I sleep with the bathroom light on so that I can get a clear view of Reeve and don't trip over stuff when I get up to feed him at night. I brush my teeth, use the bathroom, eat when I can--not when I want. My nightly routine that was almost OCDesque is pretty much out the window. Decorating and crafting and rearranging and buying house stuff is last on my list. I can say no to any cute/affordable article of clothing for myself, but when it comes to cute 0-3 month boy stuff, I'm uncontainable.
My whole life revolves around a tiny little boy that pees all over the place and poops and cries and punches me, and I have never ever been more happy. Before Reeve, I was pretty set on not losing myself once he was here. I wanted to maintain some Kem, but instead I've been completely altered. Everything about me is different, and I'm fine with that. He's my life. If I have to say no to things that I used to be all on-board with, it doesn't upset me. If it takes three hours to get ready to go and we end up going to the late service at church or eating lunch at 3 pm, I'm fine. My house is in shambles and I usually look homeless on most days, but after six months, I think I can say that I'm doing my job. If I was put together and living in a spotless house, that would definitely mean either someone else or no one was raising my baby.
Life is really great. It's hard a lot of times, but Reeve Magnus is the sunshine in all my days. I look forward to each new day, but I also just wish time would stop so that I could hold every moment in my hands for a little longer. He's growing so fast, and that's been hard to deal with at times, but I look forward to his future, and I pray that I can contribute something good to his life.
Mommy loves you, Reeve Magnus Roberts, my muscle man!
I will interject here and admit that I had a pretty rough start to new mommyhood. Not looking for sympathy, but it was definitely a difficult transition, and that, combined with CRAZY hormones and immense lack of sleep and a torn-apart body, made for some pretty nutty moments in the Roberts household. That's all I will say about that...
because...
Every dark moment has been illuminated by about five hundred beautiful moments. Reeve is in the smiley stage right now, and he smiles at nearly anything. When I see his smile, everything else is just meaningless. Sometimes he smiles so much, it turns into laughs. I love his laugh. I love that he thinks the windows and lamps are hilarious. I love that when he poops he lets out a holler. I love that he forcefully headbutts me when he's hungry. I love that when he's hungry, his cry sounds like he's yelling, "HUNGEEEEEE!!" I love when I pick him up out of his swing at 3 a.m., he immediately stops whimpering and complaining to smile at me. I love everything about Reeve. Even the poop and puke and snot. And boy, have we had a lot of that lately!
I finally vacuumed my floors for the first time since Mom left. It made me feel like a brand new woman. Now I just need to put away the twenty pounds of laundry, and I'll be good to go. I've requested a maid--preferably bilingual so that Reeve can learn a new language--for Christmas. Actually, here's my real request: a couch! We have a microsuadish couch. Nice for sitting. Not so nice for repelling poop, puke, snot, and everything else that comes out of baby.
Some of you may be wondering about the cloth diapering. It's going really, really well. We just overcame an ammonia outbreak, so we had to use some disposables for a while. He's no longer using his prefolds and covers. He's in big boy diapers now, and they are so simple. I've invested in some quality detergent to put my mind (and potential rashes) at ease, and everything's gone smoothly. We've saved a ton of money already, I've noticed, because those disposables add up! They do come in handy when rashes break out, though, so I was a little naive thinking he'd never, ever wear one. I've had a ton of "never say never" moments, and those require a post just for themselves.
Reeve is still sleeping in the swing, though we've moved it from the actual swing base to the floor. (Thank you, Angela, I'd still be running on fumes if it weren't for that swing!) He has some reflux, but his medication seems to be helping that a little, and he has yucky congestion just like his daddy. He does not like sleeping on his back, and when he does he grunts and gags and sounds like he's choking, so it keeps me awake. However, today, he took two naps on the couch on his back/side. He will do that from time to time, but at night, it's the swing or bust.
Nursing has become a LOT easier, knock on wood. Just ask a few of my breastfeeding friends: I was kinda a crazy person. It was terribly painful, so I almost feared the feedings. I didn't like that at all. I didn't want to be afraid to feed my son, but with sleep deprivation and not taking a shower for a few days, the physical pain was probably intensified by the emotional/psychological pain. I was also convinced that Reeve was sensing my negativity. He could somehow feel that I was uncomfortable, and it made him uncomfortable. I was told over and over that he didn't sense that. Instead, he just knew that his mom was giving him what he needed and he was happy, but it was still hard for me to get that out of my mind. Breastfeeding improves daily, though, and I'm giving glory to the Lord for that. I'm really adamant on breastfeeding Reeve, and it was challenging when it was so painful. I enjoy it more now, and I feel like he does, too.
Paris continues to do well with Reeve. She lets him kick her when he's sleeping or just playing. Sometimes when he's crying, she gets in his face and it makes him happy. She's been really great about sharing the attention. She was our only girl for six years, so I know it was hard, and she is still stubborn, but she doesn't bite or pee on Reeve, so I'd say she's ok with him. She actually ate his poop out of a diaper on the floor yesterday, so she certainly loves him.
I know that I've had to adapt as well, of course. I sleep with the bathroom light on so that I can get a clear view of Reeve and don't trip over stuff when I get up to feed him at night. I brush my teeth, use the bathroom, eat when I can--not when I want. My nightly routine that was almost OCDesque is pretty much out the window. Decorating and crafting and rearranging and buying house stuff is last on my list. I can say no to any cute/affordable article of clothing for myself, but when it comes to cute 0-3 month boy stuff, I'm uncontainable.
My whole life revolves around a tiny little boy that pees all over the place and poops and cries and punches me, and I have never ever been more happy. Before Reeve, I was pretty set on not losing myself once he was here. I wanted to maintain some Kem, but instead I've been completely altered. Everything about me is different, and I'm fine with that. He's my life. If I have to say no to things that I used to be all on-board with, it doesn't upset me. If it takes three hours to get ready to go and we end up going to the late service at church or eating lunch at 3 pm, I'm fine. My house is in shambles and I usually look homeless on most days, but after six months, I think I can say that I'm doing my job. If I was put together and living in a spotless house, that would definitely mean either someone else or no one was raising my baby.
Life is really great. It's hard a lot of times, but Reeve Magnus is the sunshine in all my days. I look forward to each new day, but I also just wish time would stop so that I could hold every moment in my hands for a little longer. He's growing so fast, and that's been hard to deal with at times, but I look forward to his future, and I pray that I can contribute something good to his life.
Mommy loves you, Reeve Magnus Roberts, my muscle man!
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