a little update

Reeve is asleep in our bed, and I'm working on my second cup of coffee. Yeah, yeah. Look back to my previous posts where I bashed caffeine. Kiss it. I had my first full-fledged, medium-sized, post-natal coffee a couple of weeks ago, and I haven't looked back since. Derick replaced my ancient, minature coffee maker with a fancy Keurig for Christmas, so I just feel entitled, I guess. There are a lot of things I damned before Reeve Magnus was here, but now I embrace them with joy and gladness. Never say never.
One thing I have stuck with is the co-sleeping thing. Hence, Reeve's in our bed and I'm up drinking coffee and pinning. I'm not against co-sleeping, and I really understand the helpfullness and bonding aspect. It's just not for us because 1) Derick is wild in his sleep. I can't guarantee that he won't punch me or Reeve or Paris while he's sleeping. 2)Though I'm historically a light sleeper, these interrupted nights have changed my sleeping patterns into pretty heavy bouts. Thus, Reeve sleeps in a swing, we get the bed. I've negotiated by allowing him to sleep in our bed once I'm up or fully awake. This doesn't happen often, but this week has been hard on the little guy, so I thought he might like to get some extra rest. He sleeps so wonderfully in our bed. It's quite comfy.
Things have been going really well here, and I'm super busy, so I have no time for blogging. If you see that I've been pinning stuff or "liking" posts, most likely, Reeve has fallen asleep while eating, and I don't have the heart to detach him. He can hang out there, latched on, for a really long time, and in order for me to not fall asleep--or die of boredom-- I've taken up Derick's strategy of pinning/fb while holding him. 
You can probably tell that the breastfeeding thing is going well. We've been able to create a nice bond, and I feel like we communicate better everyday. Sometimes, I can tell by certain facial expressions that he wants to eat. It's much more pleasant to begin to feed him well before the crying starts. In the early days, it was a mess. He had a hard time waking up because of the jaundice; I had a hard time letting him sleep because of the jaundice, his need for food, and our need to establish some early connections. He'd cry and get frustrated when he couldn't latch quickly, and I didn't really know what I was doing so I just did what I could. He'd finally latch and I'd feel so much pain! If he came off, it was always a struggle that involved even more pain and frustration. Now, though, we have the hang of it, and I think we both really enjoy it. The only problems I've had are constantly leaky boobies and outings that involve several feedings. Those aren't problems, though. Rather, they are adjustments, and if it takes me 3 hours in town when it used take 30 minutes, that's fine. :)
It's heartbreaking and joyful to watch my baby grow up. He learns so much everyday, and already has a funny personality. I think he's going to act a lot like his mama, and that scares his daddy. He looks so much like Derick,  it's kind of weird. As he develops, I see more and more of Derick's features. Some days I look at him and stand in awe of God because of His wisdom and grace. So cool that he nominated us to be the parents of this perfect little baby.
Don't let my bragging and happiness make you think I have it all together, because I don't, and I'm sure I never will. I still get frustrated at times. My house is always messy, and that bothers me. I can clean and clean and clean, and the next day, it seems like everything is crazy again. I am forgetful, sensitive, overly-critical, worrisome, and I don't always have things prioritized as they should be. But God is gracious, and He blesses me with wonderful days and moments that make me forget all about the craziness of life. 
Like all parents, I want to be perfect. I want Reeve to be constantly learning and gaining wisdom. I want to always speak to him with the right words and tone. I want to give him what he needs, but not turn him greedy by bombarding him with junk and everything he wants. I want him to feel love and tenderness and constant attention. I want him to be compassionate and hardworking, generous and patient, respectful and honest. But I look deep inside myself and wonder sometimes how I can raise him to be all those noble things when I fail miserably. Thank God Reeve has a daddy who isn't as reckless as I am. I think as parents, we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be this and do that for our kids. We'll never ever get everything right. We're human and destined to screw up. But I think children have a little magic in their spirit and they can naturally sense when we try. If we are trying to be good parents, our intentions usually outshine our mess-ups. In my case, there were a couple times when I was uber selfish and just wanted a moment to myself. I just needed to cry and not be needed all the time. This made me feel so much guilt early on. Like I was neglecting my baby. I feared we wouldn't develop a bond and he would sense my frustration and selfishness. Even as a baby, Reeve was patient while I learned how to get with the program. Babies are pretty incredible. I'm quite positive they are all born with an immense amount of God in them...maybe as we all grow older and absorb more and more of the world, our goodness slowly vanishes and turns into more of a need of God, rather than a likeness?
I have the best baby in the world, and if you are a parent, so do you. My baby is more incredible than I ever could have imagined. He's filled with poop and spit up and snot, but all those things fill my days with happiness and love. 

I hope I'm doing the same for his days:)