Lists

It's Friday, so I won't get started on how I hate Marriot. I know everyone is in a good mood because it's the weekend, so I will save you from my distaste, and let you bask in the radiance that is the end of the week. Anyway, I'm trying to keep the faith that the problem will be solved and something good will come out of the situation.
I thought, in celebration of the weekend (although every day is Saturday to me because I worketh not), I would make some lists.
Lists are cool, right? Lists are really important. We make lists everyday, whether we realize it or not. We subconsciously have a mental list of everything we do, like wake up, lay in bed for an hour, get out of bed, go to the bathroom, make breakfast, take a shower, watch reruns of Glee on Netflix. Just a random example. Our entire life is actually one big long list. So, to honor the list lovers out there, here are a few lists that I made. In keeping with the glory of the weekend, I have kept these lists positive and or humorous in nature. If you want some negative list-making, try fraudulently charging my bank account. That's number one on the list entitled, "Ways to Make Kem Go Arkansas On Someone."

List number one:

"Things I Like to See in the Mall"
1. Old people in really nice tennis shoes walking faster than I'd walked in a week.

2. Escalators. Because who doesn't like escalators?

3. Money on the ground.

4. Food samples.

5. Headless mannequins. (I imagine them to be my arch enemies. Such as Marriot. Ok, last Marriot reference, I promise.)

6. Naked headless mannequins. Because it's better when your arch enemy is naked....Or not so much. Who knows. Scratch number six.

7. Crying kids on Santa, or the Easter Bunny, or any other human dressed as an imaginary cultural figure.

8. Candle stores. Ladies, have you ever tortured your husband by taking him into a candle store and making him smell every single candle on the shelves? Try it.

9. No video game stores. Because this has the same effect on me as number eight on Derick.

10. Kids getting spanked. Sorry all you "discipline with kindness" peeps out there, but I was raised to act civilized in public, and if that didn't happen, my butt was grass (just doesn't have the same effect, huh?) My whole family was raised that way. Just ask my niece Krista how many times she was taken outside the doors at church? Too many to count. Sure, spanking can go too far, as can anything. But it makes me proud that there are still parents out there in today's society who aren't afraid to bust a butt when needed. My butt was busted, my husbands butt was busted, and so were my siblings' (many more times than mine because I was the angel). We all turned out pretty good, right? Don't answer that. Long live corporal punishment!

List number two:

"Things I Don't Like to See in the Mall"



1. Video game stores.

2. Teenagers kissing

3. Anyone kissing

4. Those people who pressure you into a corner with flat irons. I was on the phone once and walked by one. They had the nerve to step in front of me and ask me really loudly if I straighten my hair. Um, on a really really good day my hair gets brushed, and I'm on the phone!

5. Someone playing their ringtones or any other sort of music on their phone. Have you dealt with that? Have you been the d.j. in a similar instance? Well, I'm evacuating the dancefloor.

6. Mark-ups. You know, you got to a store that has huge SALE signs everywhere, only to find out that they had marked the price up from it's original price, then put it on sale, causing you to pay the same or more for a shirt that you could have bought for $5 the week before. Don't fall for it!

7. Anyone in a belly shirt.

8. Elbowers. You know those people that throw bows and speed walk through a crowd only to go directly to a bench and sit down.

9. Converse boots. You know....

Ugly!!!!

10. Segways. Because I'm not allowed to drive them.



List number three:

"Food Combos that You Wouldn't Think Would Work, but Really Do"

1. Ketchup and white rice. Adapted from my mom's personal creation that she ate constantly when I was a bun in the oven: white rice and tomatoes.

2. Chocolate-vanilla root beer at Sonic. (Metcalf, if you're reading this, try it!)

3. Mustard on fried bread. A favorite that I copied from my bro when I was little. Derick likes it, too!

4. Ham, egg and cheese [any sort of biscuit/bread] with pickles. Actually anything is better with a pickle.

5. Italian salad dressing on cold spaghetti noodles. My easiest pasta salad recipe, and one of the best!

6. Ranch dressing on school lunchroom pizza. (Shoutout to BHS alumni and current students!)

7. Mashed potatoes with any other side dish mixed in.

8. Raw potato peel with salt. Or just a raw potato with salt. Actually any sort of raw fruit or vegetable with salt. Lemon, grapefruit, peach, nectarine, carrot, kiwi. Even ice with salt is yum, and it can also alleviate a sore throat. My dad taught me to lick my hand, salt it, then lick the salt off. Kinda like taking a shot of tequila, as I was recently told.

9. Pancakes with Hershey's chocolate syrup. A very popular breakfast growing up.

10. Frozen grapes in any sort of fruit juice or lemonade. Cool and fun for the summer!


List number four:

"Food Combos that Don't Work"

1. Jello and salt.


List number five:

"People With One Name who I Wouldn't Mind Meeting and a One-Word Explanation as to Why"

1. Bono: Genius.

2. Elvis: Dead

3. Cher: Sonny

4. Lassie: Dog

5. Madonna: Vogue

6. Oprah: Rich

7. P!nk: Crazy

8. Prince: Questionable

9. Shakira: Hips

10. Fabio: Horse


List number six:

"Funny Gift Ideas to Give to an Overly-Serious Person"

1. A huge birdbath. Just thought that'd be funny to give to anyone.

2. A punchbowl with boxing gloves in it.

3. Tickets to that redneck comedy tour. Was it "Blue Collar Comedy?"

4. A chihuahua.

5. A smart car.

6. That drink from the 90s called Orbitz, with the little squishy balls floating around inside.


7. Antoine Dodson. (The hide yo kids guy).

8. A trophy for "Best Sense of Humor"

9. A child.

10. A child with squeak shoes.


List number seven and last one of the day:

"Embarrassing Moments from my Past"

1. First day of seventh grade when I slipped in the water on the floor in front of the water fountain, and Ace Mizell said, "Have a nice trip, Kem?" and I yelled, "SHUT UP, ACE!!!"

2. When I peed my pants in the hallway from laughing so hard in Mr. May's math class. I was, of course, being sent to the office.

3. When I was little, my mom, sister, and I were shopping in Kroger, and I thought blind people really could see, they just weren't trying. I thought that if I were blind, I could make myself see, so I closed my eyes and walked through the meat section. I peeped my eyes open just the teeniest tiniest bit, just enough to see my Mom by her buggy. Eyes still closed, I got on the end of the buggy (the way kids ride, standing on the rail between the wheels, holding on the the basket.) I opened my eyes to see a strange lady. I quickly jumped off, and ran to find my family. My sister teased me about it all the way to the check-out counter, "Kem jumped on the wrong buggy! Kem jumped on the wrong buggy." I finally yelled at my sister, "THE WOMAN SAID IT WAS OK!!!!"

4. When I peed my pants playing quiz bowl.

5. When I peed my pants at the fair and blamed it on nonexistent boys who sprayed me in the pants with a water bottle.

Note: To some it may seem that I had a really terrible bladder issue. Not the case. I just laughed a lot.

6. When I was sick with fever and wet the bed during our first week of marriage.

7. My senior year when I was competing with my all-star cheer squad and I had just finished a tumble pass. We were being filmed with weird cameras on long poles that swooped back and forth over the floor. After I finished the pass, snot flew violently out of my nose and into the direction of a nearby camera. I quickly wiped my nose and in the same motion, threw up the number one! I prayed the people watching just assumed the snot was body glitter.

8. When Derick and my friend, Brittney, and I went to a concert at the 501 Club in Jonesboro to see one of our favorite bands, Flores. There were tables and chairs scattered around, and I sat down and fell completely through the seat of the chair. The band later came on and asked if any one had ever had a bad day, and I raised my hand and told them what had just happened. They asked my name, and sang a song to incorporate my name. Hint: use your embarrassing moments to get serenaded!:)

9. In Kindergarten, when our grade published a cookbook and were told to bring recipes our parents made. I didn't ask my Mom to give me a recipe. Instead, I just went up to Mrs. Davis and told her Mom's recipe myself. It was called, "Chocolate Eggs," and you crack the eggs, heat them up and mix them with chocolate. Mrs. Davis asked if that was something I ate often, and I said that my mom cooked it for me all the time. They published my recipe with a goofy illustration of an egg in a spoon, smiling as "chocolate sauce" is dripping off of him.

10. In fourth grade, when I brought a can of Fresca to school, and Darius Frazier told everyone I had beer in my backpack.


Everyone enjoy the weekend! Add don't forget to salt your food!*